Just My Take
by Robert Baker

RBN reports that the United Nations has brought suit against the United States and its Coalition partners. The Secretary-General, who prefers to be called Koffee Anywan, gave a copy of the complaint to RBN plus exclusive details on the genesis and aims of the lawsuit.

The lawsuit lists several zoning violations including failure to apply for permits to remodel Baghdad, Basra and several other Iraqi cities and villages; open burning of trash without approval from the local fire marshal; violation of CAFÉ mileage standards for tanks and Bradley fighting vehicles; operation of motorized vehicles without a valid Iraqi driving permit; possession and discharging of firearms within city limits; possession of banned semi-automatic assault rifles and automatic weapons; failure to obtain permits from the Utilities Commission for extensive excavations near gas, electric, and sewer lines; violations of local noise abatement ordinances; failure to file flight plans; cruel and inhumane treatment of chickens, dolphins, and donkeys; and failure to submit an environmental impact statement. The list continued for an additional 17 pages. The civil suit was filed late this afternoon in US District court in San Francisco. The complaint, sealed by the Court, followed an extremely rare closed session of the international organization.

Although the session was closed to the press, RBN has learned from reliable sources that the case against the Coalition was made in a three-hour presentation to the member states. The presentation was followed by 15 minutes of floor debate before a roll call vote was taken. The vote was 146 - 45 in favor of proceeding with the lawsuit. (For a complete list of how each country voted, go to www.genassvote.un.org.com.eu.plo.gvt.)

It has been reported that Canada passed on the first roll call vote. The Canadian ambassador reportedly agonized for 10 minutes before finally voting in favor of the suit. "It was a difficult vote," the ambassador said, "but I hope that eventually our American neighbors will see it as a principled act of tough love." There were two abstentions: the Vatican and the International Space Station.

"We were hopeful that we would not have to take this drastic action," the Sec-Gen said. "We were willing to give the US some latitude in their war against Iraq. After all we haven't forgotten September 11th, either. But when the war dragged on into the second week, we could no longer ignore the quagmire and mounting violations. The Coalition resisted diplomatic pressure through private channels. This was our last resort."

Several organizations and political entities filed amicus (friend of the court) briefs on behalf of the UN position. They included Old Europe, ANSWER, the Berkley City Council, the Screen Actors Guild, PETA, the Sierra Club, the Democratic National Committee, the Dixie Chicks, Russia, China, the PLO, and the New York Times.

The suit calls for a judgment against the US primarily and the Coalition secondarily. The US is to be fined $1 million for each violation, not to exceed a total fine of $200 billion. In addition, the cost of the cleanup will be charged to the Coalition.

The UN will use money from the fines to administer Iraq until the country is stable enough to elect its own government. Five percent of the money will go to the Rainbow Coalition to administer a sensitivity training program for all Coalition military personnel. Turkey and Russia will be awarded political administration of the Kurdish areas. The French will govern southern Iraq. The Germans and Chinese will have the awesome task of rebuilding the Iraqi Defense Force. A coalition of Arab states will be responsible for peace keeping. Michael Moore Productions will be awarded exclusive rights to film documentaries about the Iraqi struggle.

The UN is asking the court to also ban the Coalition from Iraq commencing 30 days after the Coalition receives the surrender of the present Iraqi government. "We want them to have time to collect their things and for closure," the French Ambassador is quoted as saying.

"It is not about the money." Koffee said. "We debated at length about granting financial amnesty to the Coalition, but finally we concluded that would send the wrong message. We compromised by placing a cap on the fines. The Coalition is not above the law. Remember, zoning laws are there for a reason- your protection. The UN takes your security seriously. Trusting us will be in your best interest, you'll see."