Just My Take

Just My Take,

by Robert Baker

March 18, 2003

DATELINE: GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA: AUTUMN,2003
RELEASE DATE: IMMEDIATE
CORRESPONDNT: MIDDLE EAST SECTION CHIEF
BANNER: HUSSEIN CHOOSES DEFENSE COUNSEL FOR WAR TRIBUNAL

RBN has received exclusive access to the transcript of the former Iraqi President's interviews with potential legal counsel in anticipation of his war crimes tribunal. The transcript, excerpts of which appear here, will be printed in full at a later time. Consult the Tocquevillian Magazine for further updates.

FIRST INTERVIEW

SH: Come in. Welcome to my humble home. Take that chair. Please introduce yourself and get right to it.

MEP: Thank you Mr. President.

SH: Please call me Saddie.

MEP: Er.. sure. My name is Marie En-Passant. I would like to..

SH: Forgive me but I cannot but notice that you are a woman.

MEP: Yes, Mr. Pres-

SH: (holding up his hand) Saddie, please. What makes you think that I would hide behind the skirts of a woman? Sorry, that would never do. You may go.

MEP: But sir?Saddie? I'm French. We have vast experience defending dictators and war criminals. Having a woman defense lawyer would downplay some of the more controversial aspects of your alleged crimes.

SH: I have dismissed you. My fate is in the hands of Allah.

MEP: Before I go would you do me a favor and pose with me for a picture. I promised Jacques.

SH: Make it quick. Next.

FOURTH INTERVIEW

SH: (back to the door) Come in. State your name for the-

RC: Saddie, my friend, its me, Ramsey.

SH: Heh Rambo. I didn't know you were on the list.

RC: Wouldn't miss it for the world. How are they treating you in here?

SH: Well I told Amnesty International that they were torturing me but you know how that goes. One man's rose is another man's dandelion. I get no beer and the toothpaste doesn?t have tarter control. Rambo, I'm pretty low. I should have fallen in battle but it all happened so fast.

RC: You sure redefined blitzkrieg. Seventeen hours is a new record for winning a war. Even the Zionist pigs took three days. Oh, by the way, Dan sends his regards. He said the guys back at the network are hoping for another interview.

SH: (A string of expletives deleted) He promised me that I would be on 60 Minutes. I never even heard of 60 Minutes II. I was embarrassed before my generals. If I were the least bit religious I would issue a fatwah right from this cell. But about the interview- tell him I'll think about it but only for 60 Minutes.

RC: I will pass it on.

SH: Now down to business. What makes you think you can provide the best defense for me?

RC: Saddie, I defended an entire country back in the 60?s.

SH: Rambo, you lost that war.

RC: Not on my watch. The evil Nixon and his Republican cronies lost that war. No Democrat has ever lost a war. Besides I have a defense strategy that will be the mother of all courtroom battles.

SH: And what might that be?

RC: We turn it all around and put George Bush on trial. I already have pledges of support from the UN Security Council and the Peace Movement. I?m sure I can get a number of Democratic Senators and Representatives to come on board.

SH: I'm sorry Rambo, but I don't think we are a good fit. Thanks anyway. Please tell Sean Penn, Jim McDermott, Fidel, and the guys at ANSWER that I appreciate all they have done to help.

NINTH AND FINAL INTERVIEW

SH: Come in Mr. Cochran

JC: Johnny, please.

SH: Johnny you can call me Saddie.

JC: Saddie is no baddie.

SH: What?

JC: Oh, sorry, just working on my press release.

SH: Do we have a case?

JC: You definitely got a case. A case of your shorts caught in the crosshairs of the US government. Those guys are gonna squeeze your privates till you start singin' in French. We don?t have any time to waste. Sign right there on the last page.

SH: Sign what?

JC: The defense authorization agreement and the book deal rights and the news interviews and the lecture tour schedule. Don?t worry about it- its just formalities.

SH: What strategy do you propose?

JC: If the glove doesn't fit you must acquit.

SH: What?

JC: I?m being metaphorical Saddie. Don?t worry about it. You want off, right?

SH: Sure.

JC: Saddie is no baddie. Trust me. When I talk my clients walk. America loves to forgive. They never met a criminal they didn't want to rehabilitate. By the time this trial is over you'll have your own talk show. You may be the solution to the flush Rush campaign.

SH: Can you guarantee that I will become a celebrity pundit?

JC: Absolutely.

SH: Who needs oil. Where do I sign?

JC: Last page, by the red X.

SH: I think we can work together.

END OF TRANSCRIPT